Crossroads

When I was in college, having a minor in Italian, I studied the Divine Comedy. The circles of hell were the most fascinating to my 20-something self; Dante’s “middle of life’s journey” was incomprehensible. Forty seemed unreachable then.

I’m beginning to understand that midpoint now. It seems like a crucial time – “crucial” as related to the root of the word, “crux,” or “cross.” I’m at a crossroads, and the choices I make now will shape the kind of elder I become.

According to Erik Erikson, the developmental choice during the middle years is between generativity and stagnation. The choice is a stark one, and the temptation to stagnation is terrible. How easy it would be to coast until I die! How tempting to stop trying, to stop fighting, to stop challenging myself. It’s like syrup, that sticky temptation.

The other pull is to generativity – the pull to pass on what I’ve learned. This includes a direct transmission of knowledge, but also the passing on that is done through action and behavior, as well as through words.

For most of my life, I’ve considered myself a loner and a writer. My volunteer position is challenging me on both counts. I’m challenged to work on relationships – relationships with executives because I hold the volunteer equivalent of an executive position, and relationships with people younger than I am who have different skills than I have.

In both cases, one of the challenges is to stand up straight and act out of my gifts, to hold my head up and say, in action if not in words, “Yes, I am leading a team. We are doing this work that enables my supervisor to do other work. Without us, this amount and quality of work would not get done. And without me, the team would not be as strong as it is.”

I’m afraid of responsibility, and there have been times in my life when I’ve ducked out from under it. Responsibility can feel like a burden. It can feel overwhelming. For me, having responsibility carries the fear of failure.

It is important that I not duck the responsibility this position offers me. I have opportunities to recognize and facilitate the development of others’ gifts. Part of my responsibility as a leader is to ask myself, “Who on the team could some day hold the position I hold now? What can I do to help that person grow into such a position?”

This position also offers me ongoing opportunities and challenges to recognize and develop my own gifts. Yes, I am a wordsmith. I will love words as long as my mind allows me to use them. There is comfort in putting that label on myself.

But I am also able to lead a team. I am able to relate successfully to a variety of personalities, to recognize and facilitate the use of others’ gifts. I am able to acknowledge my own mistakes and to move on without wallowing in them.

So, as uncomfortable as it can be, as tempting as stagnation is, I must continue to move ahead. My control over the aging of my body is limited; for my spirit, I must continue to choose expansion and growth.